It's Jalice Time
by YoungKittenWhitlock
Summary: Collab between YoungTurtleHoppah and I. How Jasper meets Alice. Includes stinky Peter, Belieber Emmett, and lots of booze. Pure crack! AH/AU


**So this story was supposed to have been longer. But YoungTurtleHoppah and I kinda gave up on it. So I just turned it into a crack fic. :P**

**All mistakes are ours... Mostly mine. We hope you enjoy.**

**We don't own it!**

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"Dude, what ever you do. Do not go in the bathroom for at least thirty minutes." Peter said fanning his face as he walked out of the bathroom. "Aw man, come on!" I yelled as I lifted my shirt over my nose.

"Sorry, I had Chinese." Peter shrugged as he flopped down on the sofa to finish his last episode of Walker Texas Ranger. I shook my head. I never understood how two guys can grow up in the same neighborhood and one act completely different from the other. I mean Peter is so redneck that Larry The Cable Guy is his idol. Me, however. I'm not really redneck at all. Though I enjoy my country music and my blue jeans.

I jumped as Peter let one rip. It was so loud that I'm sure the neighbors heard it… And smelled it. I gagged and ran to the front door jerking it open.

"Mother of God, Peter. What kind of Chinese did you eat? Octopus asshole?" I yelled with watery eyes.

"This is worse than the time I ate at Mexican Village." Peter frowned rubbing his stomach. I stood in the doorway fanning my face when Emmett stepped into view.

"What's u… Oh God what is that smell?" He asked gagging. "According to Jasper, its octopus asshole." Peter smirked and let another one rip.

Emmett gagged again. "Well, I was going to ask if you guys wanted to go hang at the bar tonight, but now I'm not so sure." He said eyeing Peter.

"Sure, why not?" I shrugged. "You coming Peter?"

Peter nodded and grabbed his hat. "Let's roll, but I'm riding with Emmett. You can drive yourself." I said glaring at Peter.

Emmett and I hopped in his monster jeep and headed out. We listened to his radio for a minute in silence then Emmett turned it down. "Dude, I'm so stoked. My baby sister just moved to town. I can't wait for you to meet her."

"That's cool man. Is she going to be at the bar tonight?" I asked trying to picture Emmett's little sister. An image of Emmett wearing a wig and a bra flashed across my mind and a shudder went down my spine.

"Yeah, dude, you wont miss her. Trust me." He smiled. "Why, is she huge like you? All muscular and shit?" I smirked.

Emmett busted out laughing and shook his head. "She's the complete opposite of me. Besides she wishes she was this hot." He smirked waving his hand in front of his body.

I was about to reply when Emmett turned the radio back up yelling, "I love this song!"

"Baby, baby, baby, oh!" Justin Bieber's voice belted from the speakers. I quickly and forcibly turned the radio off. "Dude, What the hell?" Emmett shouted.

I shook my head. "No, Emmett. Just no."

"What?" He asked confused. "Grown men should not listen to that monstrosity." I replied shaking my head.

He quickly jumped into a debate about 'Good Music' and how Justin Bieber is one of the best. I tried arguing back and even begged him to listen to George Straight. But it was no use, so I just ignored him for the rest of the ride. Luckily the bar was just up ahead.

Peter was already in the bar with drinks for us. He gave each of us a Bud Lite. I looked around the dance floor at all the couples, and kinda felt bad for me. "Peter, you better order me another. I'm getting drunk tonight." I howled and made my way to the dance floor.

After my seventh beer, I was feeling the music. My hips were shaking and I'm sure I looked like a nerdy white guy trying to Dougie. Because I was. Trying to Dougie, that is. A slim blond was behind me and a short girl with short black hair was grinding my leg. More like humping it. Which I enjoyed. The blond came around and started grinding the other leg. It took me all of five seconds to realize the slim blond was a man.

I ran from the dance floor like a bat out of hell. At least I think I ran. I can't be sure. I'm drunk.

I made it to Peter and stumbled on the last step, which made me land on his lap. "Woah, Jasper. I don't do that gay shit." He said standing me back up. "I don't either that's why I'm here. Some dude was trying to dance with me." I said drunkenly.

Peter chuckled and to my horror the blond guy walked up. He put his hand on my shoulder and began to giggle like Lil Wayne. And that freaked me the fuck out. I jerked away and stumbled into Emmett.

"Hey man. I'm glad you're here. This is my little sister Alice." He said pointing at the same girl that I had been dancing with.

"We've already met Emmy Bear." She giggled. I nodded at Emmett's surprised face. "Yeah, your sister was humping my leg out there." I said pointing at the dance floor. "And I enjoyed every fucking minute of it." I smirked at Alice. She beamed back at me.

Emmett's face was priceless. I'm not sure if he was pissed or over joyed. I snickered and fell over on Peter again. "Alright, Jazz Man, I think you've had enough. Its time to go home." He said pulling me to the door. "Wait, wait. Can I have your number?" I yelled back at Alice.

"Get it from Emmett." She shouted back as Peter pulled me out of the door.

The ride home was hell for me. Even if I was as drunk as a skunk, Peter's farts smelled like they came straight from hell. Seriously, they smelled like rotting ass. Or Flava Flav.

Peter helped me into the house and after smacking my head on my dresser. He helped me into bed.

The next morning I woke up to the worst head ache in my life and my mouth tasted like hot dog water. You know, the water that you boil the hot dogs in. It turns a slightly red color. Yeah, that shit taste horrible. I made my way into the bathroom and popped a couple of pain killers after brushing my teeth. I turned to take a massive piss but almost threw up. Looks like Peter left me a surprise. If my head wouldn't have been pounding out of my skull, I would beat the shit out of him.

After flushing my toilet and spraying a whole bottle of air freshener, along with a little of my cologne. I made my way into the living room.

It smelled like ass. Peter was asleep on the couch with his hand in his pants. I rolled my eyes and started for the kitchen but tripped over Peters boots. I paused and glanced at Peter to see if I had woken him. He only scratched his balls. I sighed in relief but then threw up in my mouth a little as he pulled his hand out of his pants and sniffed it.

Gross… I cant wait to tell Emmett about Peter's little fascination with ball sweat. I snickered at the thought. But thinking of Emmett made me think of Alice. I was drunk last night but I wasn't drunk enough to not notice the beauty that she was.

She had the most beautiful smile I've ever seen. And the way she moved in that tight little skirt on that dance floor made me weak in the knees.

I pulled out my phone and sent a quick text to Emmett asking for her number. It took him a while to reply. I finally got her number after I had eaten my breakfast. Which really should have been lunch, considering the time.

I programmed the number into my phone and dialed her. She picked up on the third ring. "Hello." Her tinkling voice answered.

"Uh… Hi. It's me. Jasper. Emmett's friend, from the club last night?" I babbled like an idiot. She giggled. "I remember." She said. "Hows your head?" She asked with a giggle. "OK, Hows yours?" I chuckled. "Fine, I didn't drink much last night. It was the first time I partied in a few years. I didn't want to go overboard. You know?" She replied.

"Well, that was the first time I've gotten that drunk in a long time. I'm sorry you had to see me that way." I said chuckling. "It's fine. I'm sorry I humped your leg last night." She said with a snort.

I couldn't help the hyena laugh that bust forth from my throat. "It's fine. So how about having dinner with me tonight?" I asked.

"Um…" I could practically hear her chewing on her nails. "Yeah, I guess that would be OK. Where do you want to meet?"

"I could pick you up, if you want?" I asked nicely. "No, no. I'll meet you." She replied quickly. "OK. How about meet me at La Bella Italia at five?" I asked evenly. Even though I was confused about her nervous reply. "Sure, sure. That sounds fine. See you then Jasper." She said then hung up.

I gave a quick fist pump then went to shower. As I walked into the living room, I noticed Peter was awake and sitting in the recliner. Smelling his hand. I made a disgusted face and walked past him.

I opened the bathroom door and the smell nearly brought me to my knees. "Damn it Peter! From now on go take a shit outside!" I bellowed.

After opening the bathroom window and letting the smell fan out a little, I showered and changed.

"Where you goin' all dressed up?" Peter asked from the recliner. "I got a date with Alice." I smirked. "You mean she actually wants to go out with you after you made an ass out of yourself last night." He asked with a raised brow. I just shrugged and went back into the kitchen for a bottle of water. I walked back into the living room to find Peter watching Walker Texas Ranger again. I shook my head and sat on the couch to wait for my date.

Peter leaned over to one side of the chair and let out a loud ass fart. I started to complain when he started fanning it my way saying, "Taste the air."

To block out my complaining, Peter turned the volume of Walker Texas Ranger all the way up.

"Cause the eyes of a ranger are upon you, any wrong you do he's gonna see."

I shook my head and looked at the time. If I drive slowly I will make it there right on time. So I grabbed my keys, waved at Peter and left.

I drove slowly thinking about the beautiful girl I was seeing tonight. I hope Emmett doesn't get to up tight about me dating his little sister. He didn't seem to mind giving me her number though. I'm sure he doesn't mind.

I made it to the restaurant with time to spare, so I decided to get a table and wait. After only five minutes I saw her gracefully make her way in. She stopped suddenly and pulled her phone from her purse answering it.

When she spotted me she smiled and I waved her over. She held up her finger as if to say 'one moment'. I nodded and waited on her to hang up her phone.

When she finally hung up I pulled her chair out for her. "Thank you." She smiled. I nodded smiling back and we ordered our food.

"So, your brother is happy that you've moved to town." I said as a conversation starter. She smiled and nodded. "I am too. I missed my Emmy bear."

"So where did you move from?" I asked. "Mississippi. I was going to college in Biloxi. It's a nice place you should go there sometime."

"Cool. What did you study?" I asked. "Fashion." She smiled. "So you are a fashionista?" I asked with a raised brow. She nodded and jumped into a long report on how having good fashion means everything. I was content to just sit back and watch the way her mouth moved. She was so beautiful.

I was nodding along happily when she was suddenly interrupted by the shrill ringing of her phone. She scrunched up her cute little nose when she read the caller ID. "I'm sorry, I have to take this." She apologized sheepishly. "Its OK." I smiled. She stood from the table and turned towards the bathroom answering her phone on the way.

I sat back in my chair with a goofy smile on my face. This girl is so adorable. She's going to be the death of me. She's taken up the whole conversation and I was completely happy about it.

She came back to the table with a bubbly smile on her face. "Sorry." She said as I pulled her chair out for her again. "No problem." I replied. "So what do you think of Forks so far?" I asked to get her started up again. It's so cute when she starts rambling.

The rest of the date went much the same. Me starting up a subject and her finishing it.

After an hour or two she begged off and I reluctantly walked her to her car. "I had a lot of fun Jasper. Thanks." She smiled and stood on her tippy toes to kiss my cheek. I still had to lean down for her to reach.

"I had a great time to. I hope I can take you out again soon?" I asked with a smile. She nodded. "Of course. Call me tomorrow?" She asked. I nodded and she got in her car and drove off.

The smile didn't leave my face for the rest of the night. I think I was even smiling in my sleep.

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**We love nothing more than reviews. So if you loved it, hated it, or just want to give advice. Leave a review. ...Btw I do not take responsibility for Peter or any of his actions. XD That was all YoungTurtleHoppah. **


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